This
family boasts three daughters. Three smart, funny, sweet, strong,
wonderful girls.
We are
in for a world of hormonal hurt that I'm estimating will last for the next
12-14 years. In the past few weeks, I've had my first glimpses into what
that is going to be like. In other words, I have seen the face of a girl
teenager and it has struck fear into my heart.
So I
turned to some friends who have daughters older than mine, and I described the
situation thusly: “I've seen her get more
upset and indignant in the last week than I've ever seen in her entire life.
If you stacked all her tantrums from ages 0-10 in one pile, combined they wouldn't be as
forceful as some of her reactions to things this week. I'm experiencing
cognitive dissonance: she is being difficult.”
And
their responses were golden, so I thought I'd share them here for any of you
with pre-hormonal daughters, so you might benefit from their words of wisdom.
Friend
the 1st had this to say, after consulting with her own daughter:
"Advice from the daughter perspective: She said,
"Don't tell her to chill out because she doesn't know that she's not
chilled out." So, pointing out that she's being hormonal is not
helpful, according to my daughter, but she couldn't say what would be helpful.
She says, "Yeah, I guess" to whether it helps when I tell her that I
think she needs to go be alone or go exercise. As a future nurse I prescribe plenty of wine to the
mom. You have to be the steady one in the middle of her hormonal
storm. If you need fellow moms to help you drink the wine and
commiserate, I am here for you :-)”
Friend
the 2nd provided a numbered list full of helpful gems. If, after reading
this list, you want her address to send her a thank you bottle of wine, I will
provide it:
Welcome to the club! ;-)
We
did this first with our first daughter (still in it), which made it easier to
recognize when our second daughter began exhibiting the same symptoms and
behaviors.
I
concur with [Friend the 1st's daughter]. Telling them to "chill" only
makes them more pissed off. Does me too (BTW).
Here
are a few things that has helped us weather the storms (as erratic as they
are).
1.
Limit,
or reduce sugar intake. It exacerbates the intensity levels. They fight this,
but with our girls once explained that it is making them crazy they are more
willing to acquiesce (the hormone fits are no picnic for them either.)
2. Exercise helps. Get the heart
pumping, legs moving and the focus changes.
3. Loud happy (up-beat with positive
message) music can get them out of a particularly angry or sad funk. Dancing
crazy as a family in the living rooms while listening has done the trick in the
past as well.
4. One on one time with Mom (or Dad)
but with Mom it may open up space to share how you went through/go through the
same experiences and how you have learned to manage.
5. This talk time can also give you
the opportunity to validate that it totally sucks! that its normal, and over
time the hormones will even out and become more cyclical—allowing them to
manage them more easily. Holding and being quiet also seems to work at times—
(sometime even better if they are so sick of hearing the sound of your voice
but still need you.)
6. Avoid the power struggle. Just like
all the other kids. Say it, stick to it, and then disengage from the debate.
Easier said than done, but is effective.
7. Protect them from the other less
sympathetic siblings.;-) Or rather, protect the other siblings from her. In
other words, give her a little more space.
8. And when you are a hormonal mess
too.....well.... grab the potato chips, dark chocolate, Valium (if you have a
source;-), bottle of wine and head for the door ;-).
That is pretty much all I have gleaned from my journey of doing
it wrong enough times to figure out what worked. Of course, every girl/women is
different so....Hope its helpful. If I think of anything else, I will let you
know.
I
have awesome friends. My daughters should thank them. Yours too.
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