Good Friday Rerun

Originally posted back in 2010.


This morning, Little T asked me to tell her the story of when Jesus died. I was a little occupied with 3 or 4 other multi-tasking distractions, so I tapped her 5 year old sister for the job. (Little T told me a few weeks ago that Lady E had told her the story before, so there was precedence.)

Lady E happily complied:

So when Jesus died, there were these people who put nails on his wrists and his feet and put him up on a cross because he wouldn't punch his pilot.

Unfortunately, she never made it to the Resurrection part of the story because her mother was howling too loudly with laughter.  The real question here, then, is: WWJF? Which Would Jesus Fly: Coach or First Class??

* * *

Postscript: the 3 and 5 year olds of this story are now 7 and 9.  I still howl every time I think of it.  Also? The first time I posted this, I got two awesome answers to the real question:

Sandy said...

Don't be silly - He'd be the co-pilot

Homemaker Man said...

Jesus flies business class. On Virgin airlines.

On that hilarious note, a blessed Good Friday to all!

* * *

A Hormones Classic

Four more days in my cycle to go, I wanna be sequestered

Nothin' I can do nowhere I can go, I wanna be sequestered

Just get me a hot pad, put me in my bed

Hurry hurry hurry 'fore I whack you in the head

I can't control my hormones so I'll let them rage instead

Oh no no no no no

Three more days in my cycle to go, I wanna be sequestered

Nothin' I can do nowhere I can go, I wanna be sequestered

Just get me some Motrin, stay out of my way

Hurry hurry hurry 'fore I regret what I say

I can't control my temper, I scream and yell all day

Oh no no no no no

Two more days in my cycle to go, I wanna be sequestered

Nothin' I can do nowhere I can go, I wanna be sequestered

Just give me peace and quiet, shut your damn pie hole

Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco

I can't control the bloating I can't control the flow

Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go, I wanna be sequestered

Nothin' I can do nowhere I can go, I wanna be sequestered

Just put me in a red tent and throw away the key

Hurry hurry hurry before Linda Blair is me

I can't control the crazy so I think I'll let it be.

Oh no oh oh oh oh

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sequestered

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sequestered

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sequestered

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sequestered

* * *

7 Quick Takes: Volume 25: The Link Love Edition

Hello Friday, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again...

Welcome to this week's 7 Quick Takes! Today, I'm sharing links to sites and resources that have helped me this week to think, laugh, eat, pray and/or waste time I could have otherwise used to fold laundry or fill my childrens' minds with knowledge.

Please visit Jen at Conversion Diary, our host and author of the original 7 Quick Takes; check out the links to other people participating this week.

~ 1 ~

I am always searching for new ways to make math interesting...okay, palatable, to my boys. My girls seem to be fine so far, but my boys think math should be prohibited by the Geneva Convention. Somewhere in my searching, I found The Math Mom, and signed up for her newsletter. She is awesome. The latest gems I found via her are: (a) that wonderful video clip of Donald Duck learning a little Pythagorean math (I remember this from some former life) and (b) an amazing series of videos called Mathematical Doodling. I hope to use The Math Mom's site and ideas more and more in the future, and I love her tagline: Life is a puzzle. Solve it with numbers.

~ 2 ~

Here is another homeschooling resource my 6 year old enjoyed this week: For Crown or Colony? It's an interactive site that takes the user through history about the Revolutionary War through the eyes of a young boy in Massachusetts. I had intended to have my older kids use the site -- and probably still will -- but Lady E was at my side when I was looking at it for the first time, and she kind of took over and did most of it on her own. From what I've seen so far, it looks like a pretty cool way to introduce kids to the history of the late 1700's and to show them what life was like for a family during that time. My kids always respond to history "lessons" that uses kids to tell a story: go figure!

I learned about For Crown or Colony? from the Clickschooling daily email I receive. Clickschooling is offered by the same person who sends out the History on the Go email I've written about in a previous 7 Quick Takes (take #2). You could do a lot worse than using these two resources for your entire homeschooling curriculum!

~ 3 ~

OK. This next one made me laugh so hard I could hardly breath. A Facebook friend posted Damn You Autocorrect! to her page, and I clicked. I was supposed to be making dinner, so I was alternating between stirring my Mushroom Barley Soup and surfing this site. It is absolutely 100% not appropriate for children. I'm not sure my kids have ever seen me laugh that hard; they've never seen tears streaming down my face from laughing. Suffice to say they were really curious. This is one instance when their curiosity was not satisfied. While not all of it is...salacious, if you are easily offended or uncomfortable with sexual innuendo, you may want to skip it.

~ 4 ~

And here is a link to my Mushroom Barley Soup recipe. And here is a link to purchase the cookbook it came from, the Frog Commissary Cookbook. Both are excellent.

~ 5 ~

My husband and I use our computers a lot. Too much. Bordering on excessive. We are slightly addicted to email. We've talked about what we can do to control the situation. The most obvious of which -- having a computer free time of day -- has been surprisingly difficult for us. So we decided that one very tiny thing we could do was to change our home pages. Because we fire up that screen first thing in the morning, we are often bombarded immediately by the news of the day. This doesn't make for a peaceful beginning.

So we changed our home pages to the daily readings on the website of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

This is a simple, easy way to use our computer obsession for the power of good and to remind us to pay attention to what really matters.

~ 6 ~

I cannot imagine there are very many parents out there who have not read 11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids. I first saw it several years ago. But as a public service, I will link it here today, since not only is it funny, but it just might save you from thinking that you are all alone in the vast minefield of parenting. We're all in this thing together, and if you didn't bring your flak jacket, chances are someone will share. I found it today at a site called Downstream Parenting, but if you do a google search, you'll see that it's everywhere. Is Amy Lawrence the original author? I'd sure love to know!

~ 7 ~

Lastly, I'll just put in a plug for my favorite Saturday morning radio show, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Not, technically, a website link, since to fully appreciate it, you'll use your ears and not your eyes, but a gem nonetheless. Plus, I noticed from their Facebook feed today that one of their guests tomorrow is Lucinda Williams; she'll be playing Not My Job. I love Lucinda Williams' music, and she plays a starring role in a little anecdote I shared in this post.

I love Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, even if they have never responded to my queries to be a guest on their show. I bet I'll finally hear from them one week when all the kids have been barfing, I've been working on my taxes, painting a bedroom, and getting the garden ready for a tour, and will have had no time to listen to NPR that week, and then I'll be on the show, and I'll completely suck, and Carl Kassel won't record my voice mail outgoing message, and I will slink away in shame and misery, and will probably start listening to commercial radio out of spite. Peter Sagal, would you sleep at night, knowing you had driven away a devoted listener?

It could happen.

* * *

Because a child softly creeping,
Left her bed while I was sleeping,
And the body that was planted next to mine
Still remains
On a Friday morning.

* * *

A Sure Fire Way to Annoy Your Kids, Courtesy of My Father

When I was a kid, whenever I or my sister or brother had the hiccups, we would kvetch* vehemently, as if someone could actually do something about them. "I have the hiccups!" I would exclaim. And my dad would say: "Well, don't tell anybody, or everyone one will want some."

Magic.

Try this with your kids. I have found that it works quite well for many things. Just this morning, I employed this strategy twice:

Mom! I have a snotty nose!

Well, don't tell anybody, or everyone will want a snotty nose.

Mom! Bird poop on my window!

Well, don't tell anybody, or everyone will want some bird poop.

Every time I do this, the kids growl in disgust and hurl vitriole at my dad: "Thanks a lot, Poppa!"

I get a little giggle each time, the kids give up on me in indignation, and I don't have to respond to every little complaint. Like I said: magic.

Thanks Poppa!

* * *

*Spelling has been corrected from original post. See comments. Thanks HM.

Grab Bag

And summer comes to a close.

Ours ended well, with the arrival of Tule, a six year old beautiful black lab who needed a new home as much as we needed a doggie. We started Labor Day weekend with no inkling that by its close we would have a truly great dog. But she's here! And it has been an amazingly effortless transition so far. We haven't had a dog for six years, but it seems to be much like riding a bicycle; you never forget how. She fits in around here like a long missing puzzle piece. As I type, she is curled up on Sam's bed, cozy and happy after a day of chasing a tennis ball to the delight of some happy children.



* * *

Two funnies from my second son today.

Funny #1: While we were at the park trying unsuccessfully to tire out our new dog, he needed to use the bathroom but I had forgotten the key. (Our local park system sells a key, for a nominal fee, that opens all the public park restrooms; funny thing about them though...they don't work if you leave them at home.) So he headed up to the wild area of the park to answer the call of nature. A few paces away, he turned and announced: "I will be back, when nature stops yelling at me." I guess he really had to go badly.

Funny #2: After complaining bitterly that he had to wash the dishes tonight, he shifted into overdrive and began what can only be described as aggressive dish washing. I walked back through the kitchen and he shouted at me: "Mom! I am ROCKIN' these dishes!" Whatever works for you, son.

* * *

Sustainability. I've been thinking about sustainability today. Not in a green, eco-friendly, love the earth way, but in a domestic sense. I cannot seem to sustain any of the systems I come up with for handling laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping and meal planning, chores, or anything else. Sustainability is breathtakingly hard. It seems to me that establishing systems and routines for smoothly running a household is a great gift for children, a gift I wish I were giving my own. Maybe homeschooling will be my opportunity to do this, as I hope it might be. But I have to admit, I am skeptical about my ability to really sustain a well-run home.

What strategies have you used for any part of running your home that works well for you? Please share. Please. Share. I have lots of ideas, but am always looking for more. And then, how do you turn it into routine, habit? That's the toughest part for me.

* * *

I have also been thinking about the balance between selflessness and self-care. I am terrible at taking good care of myself, and I wish I were better at this. I am also a somewhat socially challenged person who experiences anxiety and worry on a regular basis, which I attribute to an inability to "lose myself" and an overemphasis on my insecurities. So...where is the balance between taking care of yourself and not worrying about yourself? I'm not sure where that is, but I'd sure like to live there.

* * *

So that's my Grab Bag to mark the close of Labor Day weekend and Summer 2010. Don't let me catch any of you wearing white from this point forward. (You're exempt, Nurse Laura: sorry.)

* * *

7 Quick Takes Friday: Volume 9, the 9 Year Old Edition

My 7 Quick Takes for today are brought to you by my Quick Nine Year old.

1. The other day, while wearing royal blue sweats and a royal blue t-shirt (one of the ones we kept), he kept saying the most random things and then announcing: "That just came out of the blue."

* * *

2. Recently, I told the kids about my dear friend Abby, about how when we were in college we used to call each other Abster and Monster. 9 year old? "Is she funny? Cuz if she's funny you could call her Abstract."

* * *

3. We went to pick up his older brother the other day. 9 year old walked right past him on the sidewalk, kept looking straight ahead, and quipped. "Dude. You need a haircut." (It's true, he does.)

* * *

4. Rick was talking to the kids in the car about pursuing the things that are important to them. He talked about how you only get to be young once, and this is the time in their lives to enjoy things they are passionate about. "You only get to be 9 once, you only get to be 12 once, etc." 9 year old: "Actually, that's not true. I get to be nine 365 times. And then, if you think about it, there are 24 hours in a day, so that would be 24 times 365. And then, there are 60 minutes in an hour. Oh yeah, and 60 seconds in a minute. And I bet you could figure out the milliseconds, too. And..."

He likes to mess with us.

* * *

5. 9 year old made "dinner" for everyone the other night, or at least for anyone who wasn't interested in our paella leftovers. (Side note: we make paella relatively frequently, but the one Rick made this past Tuesday was the best one ever: melt in my mouth delicious. I was so happy when three of the kids opted for sandwiches or toast for dinner on Wednesday: more paella for me!) So anyway, my 9 year old got to work, busily filling plates with sandwiches, apple slices, chips and bell peppers. He really got into it.

My oldest child walked into the kitchen and promptly announced to the 9 year old chef: "The butter isn't melted on my toast. Make it melted." and then walked out again, after dumping his plate unceremoniously on the counter. The chef took one look at the plate and talking only to himself said: "I'll just make it look like the butter is melted." He mushed his finger all over the two pieces of toast, pronounced it good, and delivered the plate to his brother with a cheerful: "Here you go! Melted butter!" It worked.

* * *

6. He asked me if the dinner I served last night was chicken tenders, and I told him that they were actually called breaded chicken breasts. His response: "Eeeew. You didn't have to tell me that. You didn't have to use that word. That's just wrong." Which led him to thoughtfully review of all the foods that have inappropriate names, such as chicken breasts, wieners, meatballs, etc. He was deeply disturbed that people eat things with such names.

* * *

7. On a recent car trip, the 8 and 9 year olds were messing around and laughing hysterically. Still joking, Vincenzo started telling his sister she was annoying him, and that if she didn't stop, he was going to serve her a bowl of Smackadamia nuts. More hilarity.

* * *

He's also quick to get away from a camera when I'm trying to snap a picture.

Go to Conversion Diary for the original 7 Quick Takes, complete with a venn diagram!

* * *

Jesus, the Nonviolent Frequent Flyer

This morning, Little T asked me to tell her the story of when Jesus died. I was a little occupied with 3 or 4 other multi-tasking distractions, so I tapped her 5 year old sister for the job. (Little T told me a few weeks ago that Lady E had told her the story before, so there was precedence.)

Lady E happily complied:

So when Jesus died, there were these people who put nails on his wrists and his feet and put him up on a cross because he wouldn't punch his pilot.

Unfortunately, she never made it to the Resurrection part of the story because her mother was howling too loudly with laughter. The real question here, then, is: WWJF? Which Would Jesus Fly: Coach or First Class??

* * *

Paying it Forward

Picture three daughters sandwiched together on the back row of the minivan (hall of hell, is what I call it). Daughter A is walloping on Daughter B, who is stuck in the middle. Daughter B is getting upset, starting to whimper and protest.

Pan camera to the front of the car, where dad is driving and monitoring the situation through the rear view mirror. Mom is leaning her forehead against her hand, hoping the noise stops soon and knowing that it won't.

The fateful words from dad: "Don't let her do that to you, Daughter B. If you don't like being hit, hit back!"

Mom cringes, waiting for the inevitable epic fail this advice will yield.

Sure enough, a loud wail erupts from the back seat, adding to Daughter B's now continuous cries of distress.

Dad: "Don't hit Daughter C! Daughter A was the one hurting you, why did you slug Daughter C!?!?!?

* * *

I knew it would end badly. I just didn't know it would end up expanding outward to involve ever more family members.

* * *

The scene fades as the minivan trundles down the highway to a soundtrack of wailing girls.

* * *

No Wonder My Stomach Feels Odd

Tonight, I'd like to share a bit of funny from my brother.

Click that link. Come back. Leave a comment.

Now, let's see how well you all follow instructions.

*smiley face*

And in a random edition of You Know You Have A Big Family When...

you make 14 hot dogs baked in pizza dough for lunch,

and people are still hungry when they're gone.

* * *

Jumping on the Bohemian Bandwagon

This is viral on the internet, so you've probably already seen it. If not, sit back, get out your bell bottoms, and enjoy.



* * *

And that's how a girl gets to 28 posts in 28 days. Don't hate me because I'm a cheater.

* * *

In the Interest of Fairness

One of my posts a few days ago featured an email that has been making the rounds about how men could never survive if they had to do all the things we moms have to do on a daily basis. Well, apparently, it's not so easy to be a man either! Who would have thunk it???

One guy who saw that post responded by sending my dad (who had directed him to this blog) the following list:

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring Booze.

* * *

OK, point taken. Perhaps we expect a lot from men; but that's only because we know they can deliver, right? Right? Hello? Pick yourself up off the floor, stop laughing, and leave me a comment!

* * *

The Book is Out!

I got the coolest birthday present from my brother today. He has self-published a book of his comics, from his syndicated strip It's All About You, and I got a copy from him in the mail today. THANK YOU TONY! I love it, love it, love it.

I have a link over there at the right that goes to his daily strip, so perhaps you have clicked on that and seen his funny stuff. Now YOU TOO can own the book.

Corrected on 11/17/09, to include HOW TO BUY THE BOOK! Click here to buy the It's All About You Book, the perfect Christmas present for anyone on your list who has a sense of humor. Let's hope, for your sake, that that's most of the people on your list.

Congrats, Tony. I hope you sell gobs of books and get famous. I want to see IAAY characters on mugs!

Everyone else, visit the link above to check out his comic strip.

* * *

I'm Pretty Sure This is Considered Cheating, but I'm Proceeding Anyway

For my 11th post in as many days, I am going to steal shamelessly, because I got a very funny email forwarded to me today. I did a bit of searching around the net to see if I could find someone to credit for this bit of genius...no luck. So whoever you are, hats off to you!

Enjoy some funniness, people.

* * *

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

Each child will need a wrapped birthday gift for 2 parties during the six weeks, to which the men will r.s.v.p., drop off and pick up.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla, and one marker & get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

One pet will be distributed to each man and he will be solely responsible for daily feedings and exercise, waste removal, grooming, and at least two veterinary appointments.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function and attend a teacher conference.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished, and hair and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, skin breakouts, and have extreme unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from their duties.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will happily play board games, Legos, Barbies, Play Doh, as well as color and read stories whenever the children ask.

During the day the t.v. may only be tuned to Nickelodeon and he will be responsible for monitoring the appropriate amount of t.v. watching per child.

He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.

A test will be given a the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, doctor's name and phone number. Also each child's favorite color, favorite toy, best friend's name and phone number, favorite snack, favorite story, favorite drink, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. They will be responsible, during that time, to have the appropriate medication on hand and keep up dosages at the correct time intervals.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins ONLY if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years... eventually earning the right to be called MOTHER!

* * *

Why I Don't Need Trendy Clothing Stores

Thanks to mom and dad for the classic, perfect-for-me birthday card. (And for the New Yorker subscription renewal that came with it.)

* * *

cartoon credit: Dave Coverly

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