Dear You

Dear Lady in the SUV in the Costco parking lot today,

I apologize for cutting you off. I did not mean to drive past you at 5 mph, while you were 20 feet away also traveling at 5mph, both of us approaching a parking lot "intersection." But was it necessary for you to call me a bitch in front of my children? They can read lips. They announced that you think I'm a bitch. I am not a bitch. I am tired, PMS-ing, overwhelmed, and supremely annoyed at the world. Even with the ball of malcontent I am traveling with today, I did not mean to cut you off. However, now I'd kind of like to slam into the side of your SUV like Towanda.

Please go spread your venom somewhere else.

Warmly,

--Someone who didn't need to be called a bitch in front of her kids today

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Dear Daughter,

You are brilliant. I hope someday you grow up to be a stand-up comic so that you can use the material you wrote today when you said, of a kid we know who teases other kids: "He's a pill with side effects."

Love,

--Your laughing mama

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Dear School System,

Is there any possibility that I could enroll my kids in one of your schools for between 2 and 4 days per month? I am a happy homeschooling mom most of the time. But there are these specific couple of days in which I should actually not interact with human beings, let alone be in charge of their health, well-being, and intellectual growth.

So if you could just save four chairs for them, they will be there for 3 days every 26 days. Give or take. Usually fewer, especially as I get older, which by the way, what is up with that? Isn't that unnecessary cruelty? Anyway, just pour some knowledge their way three days a month, and that would be swell. I'm pretty sure that if they stay home for those three days, any good I've done in the rest of the month will be swept away in a hormone-induced tsumani.

For the sake of the children and warmly,

--One hopped-up mama

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