I am restless today. Unmotivated. Unsatisfied.
I can't find a way to settle down and be "in the moment," the way we are always told to be.
If I could do something of my own choosing today, I would curl up with a good book: I've been trying to read What is the What for weeks. But I can't do that, now, can I? Of course not. My life is not my own right now. I see people out and about, doing...things. I see them in their yards making progress on home projects. I see them bustling about doing errands and Getting Things Done. I see them spending time with friends. Whatever. Whatever they are doing looks divine, because I can't do any of it.
Two days ago, I spent 45 minutes untangling Toy Story parachuter army men from each other. That night, I found them again tangled in a compromising heap. This morning, I spent 25 minutes untangling a First Communion cross necklace that had four knots in it. So far today, in addition to untangling the necklace, I've done one load laundry, hung our new shower curtain, picked up a payment from a client, and fed people one meal. It's not so satisfying.
I yearn for more. I yearn to be creative and to be engaged in something interesting. Instead, I'm probably going to take the kids to the park, where I will engage in the most mind-numbing of my motherly duties: pushing a swing for as-yet-unable-to-pump-for-themselves children.
I also yearn to lose myself, to stop thinking about myself, to get caught up in something "other." The kids don't count, since apparently my words and actions determine their happiness and success so BAM! we're back to me. It's a sickening paradox: how do I pray for a loss of self, which necessitates being aware that what I want is a loss of self?
And I'm also thinking of the word restless. It means unsettled, uneasy, lacking peace and calm, being fidgety, dissatisfied and unfocused. But it also means without rest. I'm sure I would feel better if I could go to sleep for awhile. I can't.
Oh, and I'm also thinking that I eat too many carbs.
I'm kind of a mess.
And I'm off to the park with my kids.
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5 comments:
Yes. Yes. This is me, too.
I feel like the tangled necklace. Limp and a near lost cause. Made for great things, but not quite able to reach my potential. Not right now. Not like I am today. Restless. Rest less. And so tired.
Been there, sister. It's impossible not to lose yourself sometimes.
Just so you know, you're getting out some pretty good, pretty honest stuff on your blog. At least it feels that way to me. So, there is that.
I stole a nap today. I loved every all too short second of it. I hope you got a chance to rest too.
oh, i am a mess too. restless and such. dreaming of running away for a day to a posh hotel where i can soak in the tub and sleep in clean high thread count bed linens, read, journal and order room service. can i do that...it sounds so selfish yet in order to be selfless with all the other people in our lives we need breathing room. even Jesus took time apart from His disciples to be alone to pray. surely there is a lesson there. oh, dear now you've gotten me started and I must go eat some carbs. Blah blah all about me.
I have no solutions but you are in my prayers.
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