I Can't Explain It


I can't explain this feeling of melancholy I get when I find myself alone, doing something simple and ordinary like getting a cup of coffee, and I look around and see people doing simple, ordinary things like gardening, or jogging, or buying veggies and flowers at the farmer's market, or having coffee with friends, or straightening the garage.

How do they do those things?  How do they have the time?  What am I doing wrong, that I never get to do those things?

Because I always feel like I'm running, chasing something, falling behind, trying to catch up, tending to children, thinking about dinner, running out of time to make dinner, throwing together a lame dinner, and myriad other things that keep me distracted and frazzled.  

And then, on a rare occasion like this morning, when I have dropped off a kid at a soccer field, and I have an hour to kill before game time, and I don't have any other kids with me to distract me from noticing the rest of the world, that's when I notice the rest of the world.  Through my sleep-deprived, rosy-colored eyeballs, the rest of the world looks relaxed and happy on this sunny November morning. They look positively privileged.  They look like they have discovered the secret to a happy life, and it appears to involve doing things that they enjoy doing.

I'm not complaining.  At least, I don't think I'm complaining.  I don't want a different life, I just want this one to feel better.  I don't want fewer children (true at least 75% of the time), and I don't want to be rich (just less not-rich), and I don't want to a different job (I love my job).

But still there is this feeling of melancholy that I get when I see people who do not look distracted and frazzled.   It's an undefined, fuzzy thing to wish for, but I wish to be undistracted and unfrazzled.  I yearn to be...I suppose it's called peaceful.  Content.

Is that feeling coming someday?

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Comments

Unknown said…
Your turn will come, Monica! It might seem like an eternity, but it will sneak up on you all to quickly.
Unknown said…
I meant "too" quickly ;-)
sheesh. you might have jumped right out of my face, what with all the commons between our 'complaints'... something very gnarly in the comparing though... i think it far more likely that everyone else is dazed and confused as well, everything looks crisper from the outside in November...( more crisp?) just told my hubs yesterday that i needed to add more joy in to this non'complaining' life. . .

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